Alfredo Anxiety
It’s a lovely summer evening at around 5pm. Your parents are out, and you’re getting hungry. You know that they won’t get home until around 8pm, so it’s your job to cook dinner for yourself. No problem right?
Wrong.
The only thing you can cook that might end up edible in some way is ramen, and you just ran out last night, so what do you do? Go on TikTok of course! You scroll through various recipes you’ve saved until you finally decide on a recipe for homemade alfredo sauce. Perfect! Pasta is easy, there’s no way you can mess this up right? Actually, there’s lots of things you could mess up. You could burn the sauce, overcook the noodles,burn the house down, you could even burn yourself! There’s so many things that could go wrong here. You text your friend, hoping that they will help you in the cooking process, which they gladly do. You prepare a large pot of water, putting it on the stove and turning the heat to max, hoping that this will make the water boil faster. You open the cabinet where your mother keeps all the pastas and realize that you don't have fettuccine! How are you going to make fettuccine alfredo now!?
…Spaghetti will do.
You grab a pack of spaghetti, not bothering to see if it was open or not, because who would put an already opened pack of spaghetti back in the cabinet, right? Turns out the package was, in fact, opened, and now there’s spaghetti all over the floor. After cleaning it up, you put the spaghetti in the pot of boiling water and get started on the alfredo sauce. You call your friend again, hoping they can walk you through the process of making the sauce, despite the fact that, y’know, you have a recipe right there. Your friend walks you through the process, not mentioning that you’re supposed to add salt to the sauce because they assumed you already knew you were supposed to do that, you did not. You add way too much garlic powder to the sauce, and finally finish. You let it simmer, stirring occasionally until the noodles are finally finished cooking. You pour out the pasta water, and add the noodles to your sauce. Congratulations! You made alfredo pasta and didn’t burn the house down!
Wrong.
The only thing you can cook that might end up edible in some way is ramen, and you just ran out last night, so what do you do? Go on TikTok of course! You scroll through various recipes you’ve saved until you finally decide on a recipe for homemade alfredo sauce. Perfect! Pasta is easy, there’s no way you can mess this up right? Actually, there’s lots of things you could mess up. You could burn the sauce, overcook the noodles,burn the house down, you could even burn yourself! There’s so many things that could go wrong here. You text your friend, hoping that they will help you in the cooking process, which they gladly do. You prepare a large pot of water, putting it on the stove and turning the heat to max, hoping that this will make the water boil faster. You open the cabinet where your mother keeps all the pastas and realize that you don't have fettuccine! How are you going to make fettuccine alfredo now!?
…Spaghetti will do.
You grab a pack of spaghetti, not bothering to see if it was open or not, because who would put an already opened pack of spaghetti back in the cabinet, right? Turns out the package was, in fact, opened, and now there’s spaghetti all over the floor. After cleaning it up, you put the spaghetti in the pot of boiling water and get started on the alfredo sauce. You call your friend again, hoping they can walk you through the process of making the sauce, despite the fact that, y’know, you have a recipe right there. Your friend walks you through the process, not mentioning that you’re supposed to add salt to the sauce because they assumed you already knew you were supposed to do that, you did not. You add way too much garlic powder to the sauce, and finally finish. You let it simmer, stirring occasionally until the noodles are finally finished cooking. You pour out the pasta water, and add the noodles to your sauce. Congratulations! You made alfredo pasta and didn’t burn the house down!
HOW TO MAKE
You will need:
-an entire open pack Spaghetti
-water
-a pot
-a saucepan
-shredded Tex Mex cheese
-milk
-garlic powder
-a friend that you can call
-a phone with TikTok installed on it
-an overthinking mindset
STEP ONE
Scroll TikTok until you find a recipe for homemade alfredo sauce. Ignore said video for the rest of the cooking process.
STEP TWO
Overthink about how cooking this could go wrong in every possible way.
STEP THREE
Text your friend to ask for help.
STEP FOUR
Prepare a pot of boiling water by filling a large pot with water until you feel like there’s enough, then put it on the stove. Turn the stove to the highest setting so the water will boil faster.
STEP FIVE
Grab an open pack of spaghetti noodles, not knowing that the bag is open and drop spaghetti all over your kitchen floor.
STEP SIX
Panic for about three minutes.
STEP SEVEN
After panicking, clean up the spaghetti off the floor and throw it out.
STEP EIGHT
Once your water is boiling, put the noodles into the pot (make sure not to break it) and leave it to boil for 8 minutes.
STEP NINE
Call your friend from earlier to help you make the sauce.
STEP TEN
Place your saucepan on low heat and eyeball the amount of milk you pour in the saucepan. It should cover the entire pan.
STEP ELEVEN
Add as much of the tex mex cheese as you want. Make sure if you add more than one handful, you stir in between adding them.
STEP TWELVE
Once there are no visible cheese chunks left in the sauce, add as much garlic powder as possible.
STEP THIRTEEN
Let the sauce simmer for about four minutes, stirring occasionally.
STEP FOURTEEN
Once your noodles are done, take them off the heat and strain them, leaving absolutely no pasta water whatsoever.
STEP FIFTEEN
After three minutes, take your sauce off the heat, add your noodles to it and enjoy!
-an entire open pack Spaghetti
-water
-a pot
-a saucepan
-shredded Tex Mex cheese
-milk
-garlic powder
-a friend that you can call
-a phone with TikTok installed on it
-an overthinking mindset
STEP ONE
Scroll TikTok until you find a recipe for homemade alfredo sauce. Ignore said video for the rest of the cooking process.
STEP TWO
Overthink about how cooking this could go wrong in every possible way.
STEP THREE
Text your friend to ask for help.
STEP FOUR
Prepare a pot of boiling water by filling a large pot with water until you feel like there’s enough, then put it on the stove. Turn the stove to the highest setting so the water will boil faster.
STEP FIVE
Grab an open pack of spaghetti noodles, not knowing that the bag is open and drop spaghetti all over your kitchen floor.
STEP SIX
Panic for about three minutes.
STEP SEVEN
After panicking, clean up the spaghetti off the floor and throw it out.
STEP EIGHT
Once your water is boiling, put the noodles into the pot (make sure not to break it) and leave it to boil for 8 minutes.
STEP NINE
Call your friend from earlier to help you make the sauce.
STEP TEN
Place your saucepan on low heat and eyeball the amount of milk you pour in the saucepan. It should cover the entire pan.
STEP ELEVEN
Add as much of the tex mex cheese as you want. Make sure if you add more than one handful, you stir in between adding them.
STEP TWELVE
Once there are no visible cheese chunks left in the sauce, add as much garlic powder as possible.
STEP THIRTEEN
Let the sauce simmer for about four minutes, stirring occasionally.
STEP FOURTEEN
Once your noodles are done, take them off the heat and strain them, leaving absolutely no pasta water whatsoever.
STEP FIFTEEN
After three minutes, take your sauce off the heat, add your noodles to it and enjoy!