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SHADE SPOTLIGHT: EXTRA
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Photo by: Oriana Delgaty
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How to Prove You're an Extreme Conservative
by: Pascale Malenfant
Scene: The American flag is the background. Country music can be heard, as well. NARRATOR is wearing an incredibly preppy outfit, including a dress shirt and a sweater around their shoulders.
So, you’ve decided to prioritize the argumentation against social issues instead of lending a hand out to support them. You’ve decided to adopt Fox News as your one and only source of information, and engrave the words “Thanks, Obama.” on your tombstone. You’ve decided that immigrants are gross, women are emotional, and Jews… yikes.
Congratulations! You’re now a certified conservative! But what else besides discriminating against anything that isn’t what you deem “normal” constitutes your red opinions? Well, as someone who enjoys offending just about everything and everyone, I’ve compiled a list of simple, easy to follow steps to ward off liberals at just the sound of your man breathing!
Step 1: You’ve got to look the look before you can walk the walk! You want people to know you’re a conservative from a mile away. For hair, make sure to go with a haircut that says “My father paid for this!” For clothing, I recommend knee-socks with sandals, obnoxiously coloured golf shirts, popped collars, your private school uniform, and of course, Donald Trump merchandise. How are we supposed to “make America great again” if you aren’t wearing a baseball cap or a made-in-China t-shirt that says so?
Step 2: Get on Reddit, and go harass some Tumblr users. You aren’t a true conservative unless you troll at least two Tumblr feminists on a weekly basis. You need to spend so much time on Reddit that when you speak, your nasal resonance and meme-inspired vocabulary let us know just how much of an internet dweeb you are. And if you aren’t already subscribed to The Amazing Atheist, who even are you? Make sure to complain about how nice guys “always finish last” and how rape and suicide jokes are hi-larious! Bonus points if you manage to get someone on a liberal social media platform to commit suicide, and even more bonus points if they mention your username in their suicide note!
Step 3: If someone disagrees with you, make sure to tell them to go kill themselves. I mean, what’s the point of formulating legitimate arguments when you can just make light of one of the darkest parts of human existence? And even if you do manage to come up with some good points in your useless online debate that awards you with nothing but a false sense of accomplishment, make sure to dehumanize yourself and delegitimize your opinions with a comical yet stern “Kill yourself.” as a concluding statement.
Step 4: Use slurs! When arguing with some feminists on why they’re absolute idiots, make sure to use the words “r*tard”, “f*ggot”, and “d*ke” more than once in the debate. Sure, these words might be kind of “outdated” and quasi “offensive”, but that’s just because these twinkie fairy pussy bitches can’t take a joke! However, never, ever use the Lord’s name in vain! God can put up with you calling all Muslims terrorists, all black people the n-word, and all feminists wastes of space, but He’ll never forgive if you use His name in a time of distress.
Step 5: Complain about Obama, all day, every day. If you go even a single day without complaining about how Obama ruined the United States, your conservativeness will be questioned by all who surround you. You need to completely write off all the jobs that were created during his presidency, the wars that were ended, and the equality that was created. You need to focus solely on the jobs that were lost, the wars that started, and the birth certificate conspiracy. And if someone mentions the presidency of George W. Bush, just say mention some bullcrap about “leaving things in the past” and move on.
I hope these few steps were useful in securing your conservative outlook on life. Just remember that no matter what you say or do, as long as you deny the fact that you’re a racist and keep at least one black acquaintance, no one can accuse you of being a bigot. Keep living the way you’re living, and screw the mainstream liberal media.
by: Pascale Malenfant
Scene: The American flag is the background. Country music can be heard, as well. NARRATOR is wearing an incredibly preppy outfit, including a dress shirt and a sweater around their shoulders.
So, you’ve decided to prioritize the argumentation against social issues instead of lending a hand out to support them. You’ve decided to adopt Fox News as your one and only source of information, and engrave the words “Thanks, Obama.” on your tombstone. You’ve decided that immigrants are gross, women are emotional, and Jews… yikes.
Congratulations! You’re now a certified conservative! But what else besides discriminating against anything that isn’t what you deem “normal” constitutes your red opinions? Well, as someone who enjoys offending just about everything and everyone, I’ve compiled a list of simple, easy to follow steps to ward off liberals at just the sound of your man breathing!
Step 1: You’ve got to look the look before you can walk the walk! You want people to know you’re a conservative from a mile away. For hair, make sure to go with a haircut that says “My father paid for this!” For clothing, I recommend knee-socks with sandals, obnoxiously coloured golf shirts, popped collars, your private school uniform, and of course, Donald Trump merchandise. How are we supposed to “make America great again” if you aren’t wearing a baseball cap or a made-in-China t-shirt that says so?
Step 2: Get on Reddit, and go harass some Tumblr users. You aren’t a true conservative unless you troll at least two Tumblr feminists on a weekly basis. You need to spend so much time on Reddit that when you speak, your nasal resonance and meme-inspired vocabulary let us know just how much of an internet dweeb you are. And if you aren’t already subscribed to The Amazing Atheist, who even are you? Make sure to complain about how nice guys “always finish last” and how rape and suicide jokes are hi-larious! Bonus points if you manage to get someone on a liberal social media platform to commit suicide, and even more bonus points if they mention your username in their suicide note!
Step 3: If someone disagrees with you, make sure to tell them to go kill themselves. I mean, what’s the point of formulating legitimate arguments when you can just make light of one of the darkest parts of human existence? And even if you do manage to come up with some good points in your useless online debate that awards you with nothing but a false sense of accomplishment, make sure to dehumanize yourself and delegitimize your opinions with a comical yet stern “Kill yourself.” as a concluding statement.
Step 4: Use slurs! When arguing with some feminists on why they’re absolute idiots, make sure to use the words “r*tard”, “f*ggot”, and “d*ke” more than once in the debate. Sure, these words might be kind of “outdated” and quasi “offensive”, but that’s just because these twinkie fairy pussy bitches can’t take a joke! However, never, ever use the Lord’s name in vain! God can put up with you calling all Muslims terrorists, all black people the n-word, and all feminists wastes of space, but He’ll never forgive if you use His name in a time of distress.
Step 5: Complain about Obama, all day, every day. If you go even a single day without complaining about how Obama ruined the United States, your conservativeness will be questioned by all who surround you. You need to completely write off all the jobs that were created during his presidency, the wars that were ended, and the equality that was created. You need to focus solely on the jobs that were lost, the wars that started, and the birth certificate conspiracy. And if someone mentions the presidency of George W. Bush, just say mention some bullcrap about “leaving things in the past” and move on.
I hope these few steps were useful in securing your conservative outlook on life. Just remember that no matter what you say or do, as long as you deny the fact that you’re a racist and keep at least one black acquaintance, no one can accuse you of being a bigot. Keep living the way you’re living, and screw the mainstream liberal media.
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A Cold Shoulder
by: Alyssa Ellenor We were friends once, You and I, We’d laugh as the days went by, Until the days turned into months. Because as those months progressed, You grew colder, Somber, Distant, Until I could no longer recognize, The person that stood before my eyes. What happened to you? To us? To the friendship that provoked such a rush? Was it simply too much to handle? Too much to bare? Did the thought of opening up to someone, Create too great a scare? If so, my suggestion is this; Take a look in the mirror, And ask yourself what it is you fear. What could compel you to rid your life of someone, So easily, So Mercilessly, And without remorse? What could cause you to unbind the wonderful memories, That never failed to light up your face; To rip apart the similarities That held this friendship in place. What could cause you to cast a cold-shoulder, To someone who has always had your back, Held your hand, And been ready for a needed embrace? I hope you come upon with a plausible reason For you have committed such a treason; You’ve cast me in a bucket of shade; It’s despair, clutching my skin, Clawing me, Shredding me into pieces. Soon enough, I will be lost in its misery. Unless you explain to me, Why you’ve abandoned me, So suddenly, So abruptly, So contently, And never looked back. What did I do wrong? Please. I know you cared for me once, At some point in all those months. So tell me how to remove the shade, That never leaves my presence; To remove the dart you have thrown, Into the depths of my heart. Tell me how to walk away, To move on, To forget the sting of betrayal That pulsates within every inch of my being. I know this means I must leave you behind, To forget every moment we shared, Every story, Every spurt of laughter, Every knowing gaze, To repair the hole that seems to grow wider every day. But I can’t do this without you. You’re the only one who can give me an official ending. I need you, one last time, even if just for closure. Why? Because we were friends once, You and I, And now we have to say goodbye. |
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*Untitled*
by: Oriana Vizcaino-Delgaty Use you thought you could use me You used me Took advantage of me I will not be used Abuse You abused the privilege of me You abused your power You abused my weakness for you Pain You thought you could cause me pain Funny, i don’t feel that anymore You tried to cause me pain and look where that got you! You have one foot out the door Sad I’d be sad to see you go It’d be sad to see you tied up on a ceiling or lying dead with a gun in your cold hand Those would be sad You thought you could leave me You thought what’d you’d done would leave me sad Jokes on you i’ve never been so Mad That’s all i am That’s all i’ll be What you've done was irreversible! bitch i’m unstoppable I’m mad you used me I’m mad you abused your power over me I’m mad I thought you’d be good for me Let me tell you, once i’m through with you there won’t be anymore “new you” No one will believe all your bullshit and lies, And trust me honey, no matter how hard you try boy, you’ll never regain me Revenge That’s what’ll be served to you, right on a platter Something funny or cruel? Probably the latter. That’s what you get for messing with someone with traits of The Mad Hatter. I’ll hurt you way worse than you’d expect all before you can even make a threat I don’t want to hear anything that comes out of your mouth I know it’s all untrue Just the way you were unfaithful to me boo Don’t try and play this again, because even if you make up the rules, i’ll win the game. XOX, kisses my dear You’ll need all the luck you can get this year |
*Untitled*
by: Dylan Russell
Long ago in a northwestern Indian desert, the animals decided to move east to the forest. The summer was hot and dry. For the herbivores, the plants were rotting and dying. As for the carnivores, freshly decayed meat tasted foul and the blistering thick air absorbed their energy to hunt. The animals gathered together and paraded to their oasis.
A few hours later a giraffe woke up. He sat up and looked around realizing he had missed departure time; all of the animals had left him abandoned in the desert. He walked around with the intent of finding some sort of path that could point him in the right direction, but he found no trail, no signs, no hope. He laid down on his back and began to cry.
“Why God? Why have you forsaken me in this time of difficulty and depletion?” Then he stopped crying as he remembered watching Home Alone as a young a calf. He recalled how Kevin felt scared at first, but after realizing that nothing could be done about it, he decided to seize the moment. “This could be the best thing that ever happened to me.” The giraffe fetched his laptop and watched some things his mother would never approve of. He ate all of his halloween candy for lunch and proceeded to make a facebook account despite only being twelve. He was in the midst of posting his first picture when he heard a loud plea for help.
“PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME!” The giraffe grabbed a Kit Kat and set off on his journey to find the dude and help him out.
After a long and tiring ten minute walk, he found the source of the cry. It was a lion. The lion was stuck in a hunter’s trap and was hanging from a very unhealthy tree.
“Yo, fam!” the lion pleaded.
“Don’t worry, I gotchu,” the giraffe assured him. He reached up and untied the net, setting the lion free.
“Thanks fam. I was up there for so long, my gosh,” the lion said, rolling his eyes. “Did they all leave without us?”
“Yeah. They left this morning. I slept in past my alarm.”
“So dude, we’re just left here all alone?”
“Yeah.”
“Sick bro! You got a laptop?”
After a few weeks of lying in bed and watching netflix, the giraffe was getting ill. All of the trees had been burnt out by the sun and he hadn’t eaten in days. The ending to Gossip Girl was so confusing it was starting to stress him out. He went for a walk. His body was slow and weak. He understood now that he would soon die from the heat and lack of nutrition, when all of a sudden he saw a tree. It was a damn beautiful tree. It had jaw dropping curves with a perfect round backside and a pair of nice firm coconuts.
“Ew. Don't look at me like that, perv!” the tree spoke.
“Sorry.” The tree looked down, embarrassed. He desperately needed to lie down in it’s shade, but as he walked to the other side of the tree he saw the lion. It was the same lion that he had saved earlier that month. He didn't want to seem rude and just invite himself into the shade, so he made some awkward small talk hoping the lion would offer him a spot.
“Hey bro,” the giraffe said.
“Sup dude,” the lion didn't get up. He just raised his head and started picking at his claws.
“Not much. How you been?”
“Pretty good man, pretty good.”
“Haha, remember that time I lowkey saved your life?”
“Yeah haha, I totally would've died.” The giraffe couldn't take it anymore, so he asked.
“So I’m kinda like dying out here, L-O-L, mind if I join you?” The lion got up on all fours and roared.
“No way in hell bro! ‘Dis is ma tree. Git yo own tree!” The lion laid back down and the giraffe tried to fake a heart attack. He flopped his body to the ground and put two hands on his heart.
“Oh no. I'm dying! Someone save me! Please!” he cried
“Shouldn't you go help him?” the tree muttered.
“I can see the light! So much death! Save me!” the giraffe continued to cry.
“Nah, he'll be fine,” the lion responded.
“Okay seriously dude? What if I was having a real heart attack,” the giraffe butted in. The lion walked over and just like that, killed the giraffe; punched him square in the face. That was that. The lion ate the giraffe and survived happily ever after with the tree.
There is no moral to this fable. If you save someone's life, they will probably refrain from watching you have a heart attack and then eating you. If you encounter a lion that is stuck in a tree, how about you just leave them there. If you are abandoned by your family, just call them. And also if you are sexually attracted to a tree, then you need to see a doctor.
by: Dylan Russell
Long ago in a northwestern Indian desert, the animals decided to move east to the forest. The summer was hot and dry. For the herbivores, the plants were rotting and dying. As for the carnivores, freshly decayed meat tasted foul and the blistering thick air absorbed their energy to hunt. The animals gathered together and paraded to their oasis.
A few hours later a giraffe woke up. He sat up and looked around realizing he had missed departure time; all of the animals had left him abandoned in the desert. He walked around with the intent of finding some sort of path that could point him in the right direction, but he found no trail, no signs, no hope. He laid down on his back and began to cry.
“Why God? Why have you forsaken me in this time of difficulty and depletion?” Then he stopped crying as he remembered watching Home Alone as a young a calf. He recalled how Kevin felt scared at first, but after realizing that nothing could be done about it, he decided to seize the moment. “This could be the best thing that ever happened to me.” The giraffe fetched his laptop and watched some things his mother would never approve of. He ate all of his halloween candy for lunch and proceeded to make a facebook account despite only being twelve. He was in the midst of posting his first picture when he heard a loud plea for help.
“PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME!” The giraffe grabbed a Kit Kat and set off on his journey to find the dude and help him out.
After a long and tiring ten minute walk, he found the source of the cry. It was a lion. The lion was stuck in a hunter’s trap and was hanging from a very unhealthy tree.
“Yo, fam!” the lion pleaded.
“Don’t worry, I gotchu,” the giraffe assured him. He reached up and untied the net, setting the lion free.
“Thanks fam. I was up there for so long, my gosh,” the lion said, rolling his eyes. “Did they all leave without us?”
“Yeah. They left this morning. I slept in past my alarm.”
“So dude, we’re just left here all alone?”
“Yeah.”
“Sick bro! You got a laptop?”
After a few weeks of lying in bed and watching netflix, the giraffe was getting ill. All of the trees had been burnt out by the sun and he hadn’t eaten in days. The ending to Gossip Girl was so confusing it was starting to stress him out. He went for a walk. His body was slow and weak. He understood now that he would soon die from the heat and lack of nutrition, when all of a sudden he saw a tree. It was a damn beautiful tree. It had jaw dropping curves with a perfect round backside and a pair of nice firm coconuts.
“Ew. Don't look at me like that, perv!” the tree spoke.
“Sorry.” The tree looked down, embarrassed. He desperately needed to lie down in it’s shade, but as he walked to the other side of the tree he saw the lion. It was the same lion that he had saved earlier that month. He didn't want to seem rude and just invite himself into the shade, so he made some awkward small talk hoping the lion would offer him a spot.
“Hey bro,” the giraffe said.
“Sup dude,” the lion didn't get up. He just raised his head and started picking at his claws.
“Not much. How you been?”
“Pretty good man, pretty good.”
“Haha, remember that time I lowkey saved your life?”
“Yeah haha, I totally would've died.” The giraffe couldn't take it anymore, so he asked.
“So I’m kinda like dying out here, L-O-L, mind if I join you?” The lion got up on all fours and roared.
“No way in hell bro! ‘Dis is ma tree. Git yo own tree!” The lion laid back down and the giraffe tried to fake a heart attack. He flopped his body to the ground and put two hands on his heart.
“Oh no. I'm dying! Someone save me! Please!” he cried
“Shouldn't you go help him?” the tree muttered.
“I can see the light! So much death! Save me!” the giraffe continued to cry.
“Nah, he'll be fine,” the lion responded.
“Okay seriously dude? What if I was having a real heart attack,” the giraffe butted in. The lion walked over and just like that, killed the giraffe; punched him square in the face. That was that. The lion ate the giraffe and survived happily ever after with the tree.
There is no moral to this fable. If you save someone's life, they will probably refrain from watching you have a heart attack and then eating you. If you encounter a lion that is stuck in a tree, how about you just leave them there. If you are abandoned by your family, just call them. And also if you are sexually attracted to a tree, then you need to see a doctor.
Tree's Company
by: Eva Lynch
It was 9 p.m. in the forest and the usual bunch were having their weekly get-together.
Douglas, Ash-ley, Park-er and Laurel-lie were having a fun Friday night out and had just stopped for a drink at The Hollow, a new bar in town. Ash-ley and Park-er were at one end of the table discussing what they were getting Douglas fir his birthday later that week, and Douglas was in deep conversation with Laurel-lie about the latest Star Trek movie the four of them had just seen. “Ugh, and Chris Pine was amazing - as he always is.” Remarked Laurel-lie, “Totally! That man can do anything...” agreed Douglas with a dreamy look in his eyes. “It’s a shame Willow had to leaf early. She wood have loved the movie.” “Yeah, it was strange. I wonder what was going on.” Douglas said. “I’m wondering the same thing. She’s always happy to spend time together, but tonight, she was being a bit of a beech - something I never thought I wood say.” “Maybe she got herself into some shady business” said Douglas. “Who knows,” replied Laurel-lie. “We’ll have to axe her next week.” With that, their conversation finished and they rejoined Ash-ley and Park-er, laughing the night away.
A week passed with no sign of Willow and the usual bunch gathered again for Douglas’s surprise party. He met them at The Hollow again, yet this time the bar was spruced up with decorations as a tree-t fir Douglas. They expected him to be excited, but he simply stood there, rooted to his spot - his eyes scanning the crowd. Douglas looked up as Park-er cleared his throat, and realized that he was expected to talk. “Oh...uh. Thanks to olive you that showed up. This is a really great surprise...” His eyes continued to scan the crowd. “I, uh-” He was fumbling for words when Park-er interrupted him. “Alright! Thanks everyone and enjoy the party!”
Ash-ley and Laurel-lie hurried over. “Are you Oak-ay?” Pestered Ash-ley, “Where’s Willow?” asked Douglas - ignoring Ash-ley completely. “I can’t be-leaf you walnut stop with this!” Cried Laurel-lie. “I’m sorry. I’m just feeling a little over elm-ed.”said Douglas. “Look,” interjected Ash-ley. “I know you’ve always liked her - god knows you’ve pined enough, but it’s time to think of something else.” Douglas was shocked. “Hey-” started Douglas. “Excuse me,” A small woman approached the group. “I couldn’t help but overhear you mention Willow. Wood this happen to be Willow Amber?” “Yeah, who are yew and how do yew know Willow?” Asked Park-er, “I’m Miss Maple from the FBI Human Resources branch, I’m currently investigating a missing persons case involving Willow Amber and a connection between her and George Bush.” “Isn’t he the president who committed tree-son?” asked Park-er, “What’s he got to do with Willow?” “That’s classified I’m afraid and yes he is, yet it was looked into and he seems to have turned over a new leaf.” stated Miss Maple “Unbelievable..” said Ashley. “Can yew stop being such a birch!” Retorted Douglas, “Me?! You’ve got to be j-oak-ing!” she yelled. “Pine, well at least I have a sense of humour!” “Leaf my humour out of this!” “Fir god’s sake yew two!” Exclaimed Laurel-lie, “Palm down - this woman knows what’s going on but we’re never going to hear what has happened if you don’t show some respect. Where’s Willow?” she asked, turning to Miss Maple. “Well, that was what I was hoping to axe yew. She’s disappeared yew see.” There were looks of ash-tonishment all round. “Do yew know what happened?” asked Ash-ley, “I’m sorry to say we’re stumped. We’ll continue to search for her. The root cause of the crime is still unknown, yet it seems to be a kidnapping.”
She never did return, yet was never forgotten either. Willow’s absence made her four friends grow closer, yet she was always remembered - even when they developed elms-eimers and left the world one by one, Willow was always remembered.
by: Eva Lynch
It was 9 p.m. in the forest and the usual bunch were having their weekly get-together.
Douglas, Ash-ley, Park-er and Laurel-lie were having a fun Friday night out and had just stopped for a drink at The Hollow, a new bar in town. Ash-ley and Park-er were at one end of the table discussing what they were getting Douglas fir his birthday later that week, and Douglas was in deep conversation with Laurel-lie about the latest Star Trek movie the four of them had just seen. “Ugh, and Chris Pine was amazing - as he always is.” Remarked Laurel-lie, “Totally! That man can do anything...” agreed Douglas with a dreamy look in his eyes. “It’s a shame Willow had to leaf early. She wood have loved the movie.” “Yeah, it was strange. I wonder what was going on.” Douglas said. “I’m wondering the same thing. She’s always happy to spend time together, but tonight, she was being a bit of a beech - something I never thought I wood say.” “Maybe she got herself into some shady business” said Douglas. “Who knows,” replied Laurel-lie. “We’ll have to axe her next week.” With that, their conversation finished and they rejoined Ash-ley and Park-er, laughing the night away.
A week passed with no sign of Willow and the usual bunch gathered again for Douglas’s surprise party. He met them at The Hollow again, yet this time the bar was spruced up with decorations as a tree-t fir Douglas. They expected him to be excited, but he simply stood there, rooted to his spot - his eyes scanning the crowd. Douglas looked up as Park-er cleared his throat, and realized that he was expected to talk. “Oh...uh. Thanks to olive you that showed up. This is a really great surprise...” His eyes continued to scan the crowd. “I, uh-” He was fumbling for words when Park-er interrupted him. “Alright! Thanks everyone and enjoy the party!”
Ash-ley and Laurel-lie hurried over. “Are you Oak-ay?” Pestered Ash-ley, “Where’s Willow?” asked Douglas - ignoring Ash-ley completely. “I can’t be-leaf you walnut stop with this!” Cried Laurel-lie. “I’m sorry. I’m just feeling a little over elm-ed.”said Douglas. “Look,” interjected Ash-ley. “I know you’ve always liked her - god knows you’ve pined enough, but it’s time to think of something else.” Douglas was shocked. “Hey-” started Douglas. “Excuse me,” A small woman approached the group. “I couldn’t help but overhear you mention Willow. Wood this happen to be Willow Amber?” “Yeah, who are yew and how do yew know Willow?” Asked Park-er, “I’m Miss Maple from the FBI Human Resources branch, I’m currently investigating a missing persons case involving Willow Amber and a connection between her and George Bush.” “Isn’t he the president who committed tree-son?” asked Park-er, “What’s he got to do with Willow?” “That’s classified I’m afraid and yes he is, yet it was looked into and he seems to have turned over a new leaf.” stated Miss Maple “Unbelievable..” said Ashley. “Can yew stop being such a birch!” Retorted Douglas, “Me?! You’ve got to be j-oak-ing!” she yelled. “Pine, well at least I have a sense of humour!” “Leaf my humour out of this!” “Fir god’s sake yew two!” Exclaimed Laurel-lie, “Palm down - this woman knows what’s going on but we’re never going to hear what has happened if you don’t show some respect. Where’s Willow?” she asked, turning to Miss Maple. “Well, that was what I was hoping to axe yew. She’s disappeared yew see.” There were looks of ash-tonishment all round. “Do yew know what happened?” asked Ash-ley, “I’m sorry to say we’re stumped. We’ll continue to search for her. The root cause of the crime is still unknown, yet it seems to be a kidnapping.”
She never did return, yet was never forgotten either. Willow’s absence made her four friends grow closer, yet she was always remembered - even when they developed elms-eimers and left the world one by one, Willow was always remembered.
Shades
by: Emily Udle
I. Blue
The sky was midnight blue, lights strung across the roof of the courtyard like constellations. He looked up, the lights reflecting in his eyes, their glow illuminating his face in soft light. The evening was blue, clear drinks in blue bottles, blue shoes, navy clouds. Vines laced up the stone brick walls, intertwining with the stringed lights and forming a canopy of leaves across the sky. They hung down like the satin fabric of an acrobat. Blue was the colour of the mermaid mural, she gazed at us with mild interest, a lilac blush on her cheeks. Blue was our blackberry cheesecake, the colour of his eyes, intertwined with turquoise and sapphire sea.
II. Yellow
We threw ourselves down the park’s grand steps, heavy footsteps on the sidewalk, we turned right and ran the length of the Chateau Laurier. Grace, Sam and I had spent too long in the city, strolling through the street with no regard for the time. Two hours in a diner, two hours in courtyards, alleyways, markets and parks. We were passing them all again. The bookstore with live music and the man selling iPad-adaptable typewriters.
We ran through a downtown park, where the tulips bloom, fields of them in the spring. Colours of canary yellow, sunset orange and boysenberry plum. But now, fall leaves passed in a blur. Brilliant orange and yellow, and the most radiant scarlet red. Parliament crowned the skyline, a Statue of Colonel John gazed infinitely at the sight. Yellow was the sunset that light John, making his carved features glow as if painted with flames. Yellow was the mustard coloured sweater Grace had held up to my chin and insisted didn’t clash with my hair. Yellow were buttercups that would bloom in the spring where now there are blankets of leaves. Yellow were the clouds that had now lost their golden skirts and become one lavender sky.
III. Green
Green was the ceramic pear, etched with the number eight and mounted to the fence. We turned in and drove past it, down the drive and parked under evergreens; the cottage stood before us.
“Has it really been that long since we cut the grass?”
We got out of the car, gathered our things and walked towards the door. I let my hands run through the meadow, up to my knees and a vibrant forest green, illuminated in the midday sunlight. We walked into the house, hardwood floors, the smell of must, windows that shone with brilliant green. Green, green green were the flowers on the counter, dried roses, white baby’s-breath that once bloomed in white carnations.
We set our bags upon the counter and and left the house, making our way through the grass and down the weathered board-walk steps. Before us, in the widest expanse, was the lake, green. The richest blues with the faintest hue of teal. Later, the deepest green was outside the window, under cloak of night. Green tee-shirts, green tea, sliced pear to match the one still hung upon the fence. Green was the summer cottage, for the last time.
IV. Black
Black ink smudged across the page. Black and blue plaid laid across the cold pavement, black book open, fingers following along. He read to me quietly and I watched the dark, velvet heavens. Darkness, the grey borders between light and where there is none, found behind eyelids and in the space between streetlights, where we were. He was wrapped up in sweaters and reading written words. Debating if planning what you write is better, or if you should simply let it flow. Blue eyes turned black in the shadows, salt and vinegar chips and fountain pens. He told me Black was not a colour, but a shade and I asked “aren’t all colours shades of each other?”
by: Emily Udle
I. Blue
The sky was midnight blue, lights strung across the roof of the courtyard like constellations. He looked up, the lights reflecting in his eyes, their glow illuminating his face in soft light. The evening was blue, clear drinks in blue bottles, blue shoes, navy clouds. Vines laced up the stone brick walls, intertwining with the stringed lights and forming a canopy of leaves across the sky. They hung down like the satin fabric of an acrobat. Blue was the colour of the mermaid mural, she gazed at us with mild interest, a lilac blush on her cheeks. Blue was our blackberry cheesecake, the colour of his eyes, intertwined with turquoise and sapphire sea.
II. Yellow
We threw ourselves down the park’s grand steps, heavy footsteps on the sidewalk, we turned right and ran the length of the Chateau Laurier. Grace, Sam and I had spent too long in the city, strolling through the street with no regard for the time. Two hours in a diner, two hours in courtyards, alleyways, markets and parks. We were passing them all again. The bookstore with live music and the man selling iPad-adaptable typewriters.
We ran through a downtown park, where the tulips bloom, fields of them in the spring. Colours of canary yellow, sunset orange and boysenberry plum. But now, fall leaves passed in a blur. Brilliant orange and yellow, and the most radiant scarlet red. Parliament crowned the skyline, a Statue of Colonel John gazed infinitely at the sight. Yellow was the sunset that light John, making his carved features glow as if painted with flames. Yellow was the mustard coloured sweater Grace had held up to my chin and insisted didn’t clash with my hair. Yellow were buttercups that would bloom in the spring where now there are blankets of leaves. Yellow were the clouds that had now lost their golden skirts and become one lavender sky.
III. Green
Green was the ceramic pear, etched with the number eight and mounted to the fence. We turned in and drove past it, down the drive and parked under evergreens; the cottage stood before us.
“Has it really been that long since we cut the grass?”
We got out of the car, gathered our things and walked towards the door. I let my hands run through the meadow, up to my knees and a vibrant forest green, illuminated in the midday sunlight. We walked into the house, hardwood floors, the smell of must, windows that shone with brilliant green. Green, green green were the flowers on the counter, dried roses, white baby’s-breath that once bloomed in white carnations.
We set our bags upon the counter and and left the house, making our way through the grass and down the weathered board-walk steps. Before us, in the widest expanse, was the lake, green. The richest blues with the faintest hue of teal. Later, the deepest green was outside the window, under cloak of night. Green tee-shirts, green tea, sliced pear to match the one still hung upon the fence. Green was the summer cottage, for the last time.
IV. Black
Black ink smudged across the page. Black and blue plaid laid across the cold pavement, black book open, fingers following along. He read to me quietly and I watched the dark, velvet heavens. Darkness, the grey borders between light and where there is none, found behind eyelids and in the space between streetlights, where we were. He was wrapped up in sweaters and reading written words. Debating if planning what you write is better, or if you should simply let it flow. Blue eyes turned black in the shadows, salt and vinegar chips and fountain pens. He told me Black was not a colour, but a shade and I asked “aren’t all colours shades of each other?”
FABREESKA LOUISE & BARBRA TEA’S BIG BEATDOWN
A Shade-y Script by: KC Hand
Our story begins in the small town of Shade Cove, Germany. Fabreeska Louise is throwing a sweet-sixteen for her pet tortoise and every bad b**** in the whole town is invited... Except for Barbra Tea, Fabreeska’s worst enemy.
* * * * *
The party starts and everyone is having a blast, even the tortoise. That is until we hear a knock at the door.
Knock, knock, knock
FABREESKA
Um, did you guys hear that?
$ARAH
Yah, I did.
TORTOISE
Me too!
FABREESKA
That’s weird. All the guests are already here.
MISHELLLE
Well go answer the door you ninny! I wanna see who it is!
FABREESKA
Wow, that's weird! No one asked you.
Knock, knock, knock
$ARAH
Whoever it is won’t go away. Someone’s gotta answer it.
MISHELLLE
I vote for $arah to go.
$ARAH
Um why me though?
MISHELLLE
‘Cause ya stank.
FABREESKA
Stop argueing! Ya both stank! I’ll answer it.
Fabreeska walks slowly towards the door. She is feeling slightly anxious. Could it be Barbra Tea? She wonders. Fabreeska and Barbra have always had unsettled business… She puts her hand on the doorknob and opens the door slowly. It’s just the pizza man.
PIZZA MAN
Hello. Pizza delivery! Thanks for choosing Crusty’s Pizza. That’ll be $10.98 mam.
FABREESKA
First off, don't call me mam. My name is Fabreeska and ya better learn it fast. Second off, I didn't go ordering no pizza.
PIZZA MAN
Are you sure? Maybe this will spark your memory.
The pizza man opens the pizza box slowly. Fabreeska expects to see a pizza,
but instead, Barbra hops out of the box.
BARBRA
Surpriseeee!
FABREESKA
[Gasp]
BARBRA
I bet you didn't expect to see me this way. How’d you like the grand entrance? Nevermind, I don't really care what you think. Anyways, I just wanted to drop by and wish your tortoise a happy 16th.
FABREESKA
How dare you? You know I don't want you coming around here anymore.
BARBRA
Why? Is it because of the time I won Little Miss Shade Cove and you lost? Or the time when I drop kicked roasted your ass in front of the whole grade 2 class?
FABREESKA
It’s both of those times! It’s everything you did to me, actually.
$ARAH (In the background)
Fabreeska why are you taking so long? Who’s at the door?
BARBRA
Oh, wow. Is that who I think it is?
Barbra pushes past Fabreeska and rushes into the living room where the party is.
MISHELLLE & $ARAH (@ the same time)
[Gasp] Barbra Tea!
BARBRA
Hello, hello ladie thots.Yes, it is me.
TORTOISE
Why are you here?
BARBRA
To finish unsettled shade, tea, spilt tea...business, if you will.
MISHELLLE
Well, what the f*** ya gonna do?
Barbra stands there for a moment with a subtle smirk on her face. She glances
over at tortoise. With a quick movement, she snatches tortoise and runs out the front
door. She jumps into the pizza delivery car with the pizza man and they speed off.
The sweet-sixteen was ruined and nothing was ever the same again.
A Shade-y Script by: KC Hand
Our story begins in the small town of Shade Cove, Germany. Fabreeska Louise is throwing a sweet-sixteen for her pet tortoise and every bad b**** in the whole town is invited... Except for Barbra Tea, Fabreeska’s worst enemy.
* * * * *
The party starts and everyone is having a blast, even the tortoise. That is until we hear a knock at the door.
Knock, knock, knock
FABREESKA
Um, did you guys hear that?
$ARAH
Yah, I did.
TORTOISE
Me too!
FABREESKA
That’s weird. All the guests are already here.
MISHELLLE
Well go answer the door you ninny! I wanna see who it is!
FABREESKA
Wow, that's weird! No one asked you.
Knock, knock, knock
$ARAH
Whoever it is won’t go away. Someone’s gotta answer it.
MISHELLLE
I vote for $arah to go.
$ARAH
Um why me though?
MISHELLLE
‘Cause ya stank.
FABREESKA
Stop argueing! Ya both stank! I’ll answer it.
Fabreeska walks slowly towards the door. She is feeling slightly anxious. Could it be Barbra Tea? She wonders. Fabreeska and Barbra have always had unsettled business… She puts her hand on the doorknob and opens the door slowly. It’s just the pizza man.
PIZZA MAN
Hello. Pizza delivery! Thanks for choosing Crusty’s Pizza. That’ll be $10.98 mam.
FABREESKA
First off, don't call me mam. My name is Fabreeska and ya better learn it fast. Second off, I didn't go ordering no pizza.
PIZZA MAN
Are you sure? Maybe this will spark your memory.
The pizza man opens the pizza box slowly. Fabreeska expects to see a pizza,
but instead, Barbra hops out of the box.
BARBRA
Surpriseeee!
FABREESKA
[Gasp]
BARBRA
I bet you didn't expect to see me this way. How’d you like the grand entrance? Nevermind, I don't really care what you think. Anyways, I just wanted to drop by and wish your tortoise a happy 16th.
FABREESKA
How dare you? You know I don't want you coming around here anymore.
BARBRA
Why? Is it because of the time I won Little Miss Shade Cove and you lost? Or the time when I drop kicked roasted your ass in front of the whole grade 2 class?
FABREESKA
It’s both of those times! It’s everything you did to me, actually.
$ARAH (In the background)
Fabreeska why are you taking so long? Who’s at the door?
BARBRA
Oh, wow. Is that who I think it is?
Barbra pushes past Fabreeska and rushes into the living room where the party is.
MISHELLLE & $ARAH (@ the same time)
[Gasp] Barbra Tea!
BARBRA
Hello, hello ladie thots.Yes, it is me.
TORTOISE
Why are you here?
BARBRA
To finish unsettled shade, tea, spilt tea...business, if you will.
MISHELLLE
Well, what the f*** ya gonna do?
Barbra stands there for a moment with a subtle smirk on her face. She glances
over at tortoise. With a quick movement, she snatches tortoise and runs out the front
door. She jumps into the pizza delivery car with the pizza man and they speed off.
The sweet-sixteen was ruined and nothing was ever the same again.