You know that one conversation that's like...
By Wesley Massey
“Honestly, I’ve never felt less of a motivation to do something.”
“Really!?”
“Yeah.”
“So you’re just not gonna do it then?”
“Yuh-huh.”
“But all that time spent working on the details, all that energy! You—”
“Don’t care. It’s over. I don’t have the motivation now, so it will never come.”
“Oh, ok.”
“Yep.”
“Huh.”
“What?”
“What? What do you mean ‘what’?”
“What was that ‘huh’ that you just did?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well was it a question ‘huh?’ or was it sort of more of an acknowledgement ‘huh’?
“I’m gonna be completely honest with you, I have no clue what you’re off about.”
“Well did you mean like ‘huh, I wonder why he’d do that’ or ‘huh, that piece of information lines up in my brain with past knowledge I have of this gentleman’ like it’s a pretty straightforward question—”
“Well I guess I just mean ‘huh I suppose this conversation is over and there’s no more need to continue it’, alright?”
“Oh I see.”
“You do.”
“What? What do you mean ‘you do’?”
“I just—what are you trying to accomplish right now?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“See you just did it again!”
“Did what again?”
“Your whole thing that you do when you know damn well what I’m saying but you choose not to and act ignorant in an attempt to try to get me to explain it. It’s just a waste of time and I’m sick of it.”
“Hold on. Who said I do that? Did you just pretend like you know what I’m thinking or something? What is up with you right now?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Well clearly I don’t.”
“Oh my… Yes, yes you do.”
“Explain it to me then cause there appears to be a misunderstanding.”
“I just did!”
“When?”
“When?! When I said you try to get me to explain things so you can waste everyone’s time! That’s when!”
“But I don’t understand what you mean by that.”
“See! You’re doing it again! This is what you do!”
“Excuse me? You care to elaborate?”
“Oh! Shut up. Just shut up. I can’t take anymore of this. Stop talking. Seriously. Stop it. I mean, for the love of christ and all that is holy, shut the—”
“Oh my god! Ok! I get it. I’ll stop talking.”
“Thank you.”
“So then are you surprised by this?”
“Oh my god.”
“What? Are you surprised by this revelation?”
“What revelation?”
“That I don’t want to do the work.”
“Oh my god—yes! Beyond surprised! I’ll never be able to recover. Happy now?”
“Well, not if you’re going to be sarcastic like that.”
“Lord, give me strength.”
“It’s just that I’d prefer an… honest… answer with no bull—”
“Ok. You want me to tell you if I think you should do the work?”
“No. I want you to tell me if you’re surprised by the fact that I’ve chosen not to do it.”
“No you don’t—”
“Yes—”
“No, no. You just want me to tell you to do the work cause you need some external motivation to get off your—”
“I feel like you’re projecting a bit here, not gonna sugar coat it.”
“I am not. You do this all the time. I know you—”
“Won’t you just answer the question already.”
“Alright. Am I surprised you’re not doing the work? No, I am not.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“Wo-ow-ow.”
“And you wanna know why?”
“I don’t remember that being part of the question—”
“Because all you do is waste people’s time. Every second of every day you spend it whittling away our precious moments in favour for your… Nonsense!”
“Well I’m glad you’ve come up with a sort of—”
“And you know what? I don’t even blame Jennifer for leaving your sorry—”
“Woah, woah, woah, this isn’t part of the conversation!”
“No, I think it is. You need to know what kind of person you are—”
“If this is what helps you sleep at night, then be my guest to just—”
“You’re insufferable!”
“Oh, think whatever you like!”
“I’ll be sure to! It’s what everyone else thinks after all!”
“Shut up!”
“No you shut up for once. For once, in your sorry waste—excuse for a life. Just once… shut up.”
“...I—”
“Wow! You see how much better that is. You hear the world without your mouth running? Sure is a magical thing isn’t it?”
“You’re the worst person—”
“Maybe so, but at the very least I’m honest and I don’t waste everyone’s time.”
“... Get out of my house.”
“Thank god. I thought you’d never ask.”
“I don’t want to see you ever again! My life would’ve been so much easier if you weren’t in it! You wouldn’t even be alive right now if it wasn’t for me!”
“And thank you so much for sparing me from all those years I could have spent six feet underground, not having to listen to you!”
“What?”
“You heard me!”
“What’s that even supposed to mean!”
“It means I’d be better off dead than wasting my life with you! I wasted too much of my life on you!”
“You wouldn’t have even had a life to live if it wasn’t for me!”
“And that would be preferable than all of this!”
“...You don’t mean that.”
“I mean it! You’ve leached away at my will to live for far too long!”
“Fine then. Enjoy your life without me!”
“I intend to!”
“Since I’m such a big waste of everyone’s time I might as well not even be around anymore!”
“If you’re looking for sympathy points you’re not about to find any with me!”
“Goodbye then.”
“Goodbye and good riddance.”
“And don’t expect me to waste my apparently worthless time cleaning up your stuff!”
“Really!?”
“Yeah.”
“So you’re just not gonna do it then?”
“Yuh-huh.”
“But all that time spent working on the details, all that energy! You—”
“Don’t care. It’s over. I don’t have the motivation now, so it will never come.”
“Oh, ok.”
“Yep.”
“Huh.”
“What?”
“What? What do you mean ‘what’?”
“What was that ‘huh’ that you just did?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well was it a question ‘huh?’ or was it sort of more of an acknowledgement ‘huh’?
“I’m gonna be completely honest with you, I have no clue what you’re off about.”
“Well did you mean like ‘huh, I wonder why he’d do that’ or ‘huh, that piece of information lines up in my brain with past knowledge I have of this gentleman’ like it’s a pretty straightforward question—”
“Well I guess I just mean ‘huh I suppose this conversation is over and there’s no more need to continue it’, alright?”
“Oh I see.”
“You do.”
“What? What do you mean ‘you do’?”
“I just—what are you trying to accomplish right now?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“See you just did it again!”
“Did what again?”
“Your whole thing that you do when you know damn well what I’m saying but you choose not to and act ignorant in an attempt to try to get me to explain it. It’s just a waste of time and I’m sick of it.”
“Hold on. Who said I do that? Did you just pretend like you know what I’m thinking or something? What is up with you right now?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Well clearly I don’t.”
“Oh my… Yes, yes you do.”
“Explain it to me then cause there appears to be a misunderstanding.”
“I just did!”
“When?”
“When?! When I said you try to get me to explain things so you can waste everyone’s time! That’s when!”
“But I don’t understand what you mean by that.”
“See! You’re doing it again! This is what you do!”
“Excuse me? You care to elaborate?”
“Oh! Shut up. Just shut up. I can’t take anymore of this. Stop talking. Seriously. Stop it. I mean, for the love of christ and all that is holy, shut the—”
“Oh my god! Ok! I get it. I’ll stop talking.”
“Thank you.”
“So then are you surprised by this?”
“Oh my god.”
“What? Are you surprised by this revelation?”
“What revelation?”
“That I don’t want to do the work.”
“Oh my god—yes! Beyond surprised! I’ll never be able to recover. Happy now?”
“Well, not if you’re going to be sarcastic like that.”
“Lord, give me strength.”
“It’s just that I’d prefer an… honest… answer with no bull—”
“Ok. You want me to tell you if I think you should do the work?”
“No. I want you to tell me if you’re surprised by the fact that I’ve chosen not to do it.”
“No you don’t—”
“Yes—”
“No, no. You just want me to tell you to do the work cause you need some external motivation to get off your—”
“I feel like you’re projecting a bit here, not gonna sugar coat it.”
“I am not. You do this all the time. I know you—”
“Won’t you just answer the question already.”
“Alright. Am I surprised you’re not doing the work? No, I am not.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“Wo-ow-ow.”
“And you wanna know why?”
“I don’t remember that being part of the question—”
“Because all you do is waste people’s time. Every second of every day you spend it whittling away our precious moments in favour for your… Nonsense!”
“Well I’m glad you’ve come up with a sort of—”
“And you know what? I don’t even blame Jennifer for leaving your sorry—”
“Woah, woah, woah, this isn’t part of the conversation!”
“No, I think it is. You need to know what kind of person you are—”
“If this is what helps you sleep at night, then be my guest to just—”
“You’re insufferable!”
“Oh, think whatever you like!”
“I’ll be sure to! It’s what everyone else thinks after all!”
“Shut up!”
“No you shut up for once. For once, in your sorry waste—excuse for a life. Just once… shut up.”
“...I—”
“Wow! You see how much better that is. You hear the world without your mouth running? Sure is a magical thing isn’t it?”
“You’re the worst person—”
“Maybe so, but at the very least I’m honest and I don’t waste everyone’s time.”
“... Get out of my house.”
“Thank god. I thought you’d never ask.”
“I don’t want to see you ever again! My life would’ve been so much easier if you weren’t in it! You wouldn’t even be alive right now if it wasn’t for me!”
“And thank you so much for sparing me from all those years I could have spent six feet underground, not having to listen to you!”
“What?”
“You heard me!”
“What’s that even supposed to mean!”
“It means I’d be better off dead than wasting my life with you! I wasted too much of my life on you!”
“You wouldn’t have even had a life to live if it wasn’t for me!”
“And that would be preferable than all of this!”
“...You don’t mean that.”
“I mean it! You’ve leached away at my will to live for far too long!”
“Fine then. Enjoy your life without me!”
“I intend to!”
“Since I’m such a big waste of everyone’s time I might as well not even be around anymore!”
“If you’re looking for sympathy points you’re not about to find any with me!”
“Goodbye then.”
“Goodbye and good riddance.”
“And don’t expect me to waste my apparently worthless time cleaning up your stuff!”